It's likely you already have an inkling about your parent's behavior. The signs may be obvious once you reflect on them.

Have you ever wondered why having a mature discussion with your mother feels like an uphill battle, or why your father insists on your agreement at all times? Or perhaps you often feel anxious or tense in their presence, as if you're anticipating a confrontation. Deep down, you may have sensed that something was amiss.

Even if you lacked the language to articulate your feelings regarding your parent's unusual (yet predictable) conduct, you probably felt something was off. This inner conflict can be particularly challenging, as those raised by narcissistic parents often struggle to trust their instincts.

As you read this, you might find that numerous realizations are surfacing. By the end, your perspective on your parent may shift significantly.

My aim in sharing these insights, drawn from my experiences as a 45-year-old Adult Child of a Narcissist (ACoN), is to illustrate that many ACoNs share similar encounters. While I don't wish to generalize, it's likely that many narcissistic parents exhibit behaviors you will soon recognize.

It's important to note that I am not a psychologist or therapist. However, I have my own qualifications: survival. As the only child of a narcissistic mother, I have alternated between being her "golden child" and her "scapegoat," and I bear the scars—and therapy bills—to show for it.

Narcissism is a complex issue. Not everyone who exhibits selfish or attention-seeking behavior qualifies as a narcissist. Additionally, a person may display narcissistic traits without being a full-blown narcissist, and narcissism exists on a spectrum. Those diagnosed with narcissism often have varying degrees of the condition, and it's essential to recognize that many will never seek help due to the nature of their behavior.

The key takeaway is this: If you find that many, if not all, of the following indicators resonate with your experience, you may be dealing with a narcissistic parent or someone exhibiting narcissistic tendencies.

Let's explore five distinct signs that your parent may be a narcissist:

1. They openly declare their narcissism.

   My own mother did this. While she rarely discussed her childhood, when she did, her comments were revealing. She lamented feeling unloved by her father and described her parents as selfish, often ridiculing her with hurtful nicknames. Such treatment is consistent with how a narcissist interacts with their children, stunting their emotional growth and potentially leading to further narcissistic behavior.

2. They resist boundaries.

   When told no, narcissists react strongly. They often disregard boundaries and believe rules don’t apply to them. Pay attention to your parent's reactions when you establish limits. Do they ignore your requests or persistently invade your space? These actions are indicative of narcissistic behavior.

3. They use guilt as a weapon.

   Statements like "After everything I've done for you..." often follow the enforcement of your boundaries. Narcissistic parents resort to guilt and shame when they don't get their way, reminding you of past favors with the expectation of compliance.

4. They react defensively to criticism.

   Narcissistic parents cannot handle criticism, especially from their children. They expect unwavering loyalty and often react dramatically to any negative feedback. My mother instilled in me the need to tread carefully around her feelings, effectively teaching me to suppress any constructive criticism.

5. They avoid accountability.

   A narcissistic parent struggles to admit wrongdoing. When they are confronted, their response may not be a genuine apology but rather a lament about being the "worst parent." This places the onus on you to comfort them rather than addressing your concerns.

6. Empathy is absent.

   There is a stark contrast between loving parents who engage with their children’s lives and those who are emotionally distant. Narcissistic parents often redirect conversations to focus on their experiences, displaying little genuine interest in their children’s feelings or lives.

These signs merely scratch the surface of what it means to have a narcissistic parent. Recognizing these patterns can help you navigate your relationship with them, especially if distancing yourself isn't an option.

There is hope for healing and clarity in your situation. Understanding what you’re dealing with is the first step toward finding a way forward.

© Copyright J.C. Anne Brown, 2022